The Twelve Steps of Procastination in Self-Isolation

Graphic by Sam Shepherd

Well, the throes of self-isolation are upon us. As other writers have expressed in the past, we all now have the power to assume a proactive mindset and use this alone time productively. Time to compose a concerto, learn a foreign language, get a six-pack, or even just finally finish your essay before the due date for once

Yet, if you’re anything like us, you won’t be doing any of that. In truth, government-mandated social distancing has provided us with just one more reason to procrastinate productivity indefinitely. Here are our twelve tips on how to use this time any way but wisely.  

1. Eat anything and everything available in your parents’ kitchen. For those of you who have returned home, you now have the luxury of a fridge and pantry full of free food at your disposal instead of having to trek through the ice to Provigo. Your parents just switched to a ketogenic diet over the past few months, so you’ve unfortunately been limited to bland salad, peanuts, fruit, nice cheeses, and keto bread. Still, you’ve been able to waste enough time opening the fridge, closing the fridge, and returning ten minutes later expecting new foods to appear to neglect your mounting sociology assignments.

2. Go on Tik Tok.  Tik Tok has become a huge part of your life during quarantine. One could argue that scrolling through Tik Toks and making my own has become a full-time job – anything that takes time away from this important task has become tedious and useless. Try to remake one of those Tik Tok dances but give up after incorrectly hitting the “woah” move for the fifth time. You might’ve thought you had matured in the five years since you were fifteen, but Tik Tok has brought you all the way back to age twelve.

3. Go on Tinder. Now is a great time to finally see what all those boys from your Grade 5 class look like now. Oh, cool. Turns out, they’re not that cute and you haven’t been missing anything. Get upset when you don’t match with your high school crush. Does he not appreciate your cute new selfie with your homemade mask?

4. Maybe try one of those virtual Tinder dates. Who needs clubs like Cafe Campus or Suwu when you have Club Penguin?

5. Go on a walk, maybe a run if you have the motivation. Middle-aged joggers will probably stare at you with pity as you nearly faint after a single mile, but it will all be worth it for the five-minute rush of endorphins you so desperately need. 

6. Try to do one of those online workout videos. They’re everywhere now, and working out is the perfect “productive” procrastination. You look yourself in the mirror and think— yes, you got this. You trudged through snow every day on my way to class. You will soon register how out of shape you are, realizing that walking up the hill in a onesie does not qualify as a winter sport. 

7. Get bored, consider opening up Google Drive—maybe time to write creatively, the next King Lear, perhaps? But then decide this boredom is hunger and start eating again.

8. Try Facetiming one of your friends. When they don’t pick up, try a relative. Also no response. Wait, uh-oh. Were you social before all this? 

9. Drink a glass of wine while your mother non-verbally scrutinizes you.

10. Tie dye all your clothing. Then, when you fail miserably, cry for two days straight in your green-splattered sweatsuit. At least you now have the ability to camouflage when you next lie on Lower Field…whenever that may be.

11. Eat again. Is there something new in the fridge? No, just more keto bread that tastes like sawdust. 

12. Wait, is this keto bread actually good? You’re not sure, but you’re already on your fourth slice. Mom is giving you another one of those “looks” from across the kitchen table. Where’s that wine again?

 

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Looking for a way to help as we fight COVID-19? Students Against Corona is actively looking for student volunteers. Follow this link if you are interested in getting involved.

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