University has taught me two things: that EDM has an enormous fan-base, and that at no point in time will you ever feel in control of your workload. No matter how meticulously planned your colour-coordinated study schedule is, university is a constant race against the clock. And while I find myself surrounded by colleagues that manage to maintain 3.8 GPAs, serve on countless exec boards, and hit the gym four times a week, it takes a special — nay, talented — person to master the art of procrastination. I am that person. Weird flex, I know, but allow me to elaborate.
Monday, 9:00 PM: I’m in bed binge-watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. I hesitantly open my calendar and pretend to be surprised by the fact that I have a 1500-word essay on “The Effects of Colonialism on French-British Relations” due tomorrow at midnight. Though I’ve never truly been asleep before ten, I opt not to start the paper. Tonight, I will get my twelve hours, so that tomorrow I will be a vision of freshness and focus. Besides, 1500 words is only six pages double-spaced, which is actually only three pages.
Tuesday, 10:00 AM: I start at the library. I have gotten into the habit of locking my phone up in the charging stations on the first floor because I #knowmyself. Still, I will need my computer to do my work. I proceed to check my emails three times (personal, and McGill Outlook twice) and watch a YouTube compilation of dogs welcoming soldiers home. After wiping my tears, I think I’ve gotten all the distractions out of my system.
Though I’ve never truly been asleep before ten, I opt not to start the paper. Tonight, I will get my twelve hours, so that tomorrow I will be a vision of freshness and focus. Besides, 1500 words is only six pages double-spaced, which is actually only three pages.
10:31 AM: Even after turning on Self Control (the app), I open my sticky notes, rearrange my to-do list, and meticulously plan out my day, as well as my week. Even I realize the irony of wasting twenty minutes of my day planning out my day.
10:54 AM: I’ll start at 11.
11:01 AM: Finally, I’m ready to do what I came here to do, (cue Rihanna “This is What you Came For”). First, I type “how to write an essay in university” into Google, just to refresh my memory.
11:30 AM: Okay, I think I remember now. I put fingers to keyboard. I write one sentence; it doesn’t sound right. I open Thesaurus.com to jazz it up. There, much better. I write sentence two and the cycle repeats. I’m now in the zone, not even lifting my head to stare at the passers-by who dare come near my cubicle. Fingers are-a-flyin’, and I’m as committed to this paper as Khloé is to Tristan.
6:00 PM: I tell myself I deserve a break (I most certainly do not). I’m hungry and I can’t have coleslaw from Première Moisson for dinner again. I return home where the opportunities for procrastination abound. My essay is due in six hours.
6:15 PM: Upon returning home, I notice that the parade of shoes lining my front entrance are, in this moment, for the first time, quite bothersome. I take my time aligning them, categorizing them by type: flip flop, sneaker, platform boot and of course, the illusive non-platform boot. Things are really shaping up.
I tell myself I deserve a break (I most certainly do not). I’m hungry and I can’t have coleslaw from Première Moisson for dinner again.
6:21 PM: Now that my front entrance looks like the Louvre, I remember that my eight-hour stay at Hotel McClennan did not include food. I am famished and have not seen a vegetable in almost ten days. Tonight, I shall dine like the queen that I am.
7:00 PM: I prepare a small salad with the vegetables in the back of my fridge that appear to be rotting, pasta as my main, and Pillsbury cookies for dessert — the holiday edition, of course. I immerse myself in the culinary experience. While I could easily write and eat, I was raised with manners, so instead I watch Netflix.
7:22 PM: I’m done dinner and getting antsy — I need something to take my mind off the 900 unwritten words that desperately need my attention. I can’t leave the kitchen like this! I put on the soundtrack to A Star is Born and clean up, Cinderella-style. Dishes, countertops, even the floor, because although they haven’t been cleaned since — well, ever — I feel that this is the appropriate time to really make my place shine.
I immerse myself in the culinary experience. While I could easily write and eat, I was raised with manners, so instead I watch Netflix.
8:09 PM: Self-sabotage: I indulge in one more episode of Sabrina for no reason at all.
9:02 PM: The closing credits roll across my computer screen and I regrettably sneak a peek at the clock. It says 9:02 PM. Somehow, I am shocked by this. I text my friends a detailed listicle of why I am stressed.
9:10 PM: My eyes are closing, and a fifteen-minute shower is the only plausible cure for my fatigue.
9:30 PM: I can only work in a zen-yet-productive environment. I light a pumpkin-spice scented candle, brew a cup of peppermint tea, apply some lavender-scented “calming” lotion, and prepare a quick study snack.
9:39 PM: I have successfully wasted three-and-a-half hours of precious study time. The submission folder will close in just over two hours. I stare at my closed laptop and realize that the things we love most can still hurt us.
9:42 PM: I open up the document, three pages to go. If I get it right the first time, there’s no need for editing. I frantically begin, and as I do, I remember that I have two more essays due this week. I think tomorrow I’ll reward myself and take the day off.
I have never read an article that speaks so much to my soul. This is me, and several of my friends. Thanks for writing this and validating my need for procrastination.
This is hilarious. So relatable for all McGill students
This is the funniest thing ever! What a talented writer!