As the fee opt-out period draws to a close, students across McGill have been questioning the necessity of SSMU’s ability to make us pay for possibly unnecessary services. This influential, world-renowned, charismatic, and humble student opinion journalist even wondered why in the world he was being charged to support, what Minerva called a “public ‘jam space’ within the SSMU building.”
Some have even argued that the growing number of fees increasingly serve niche special interest groups (or SSMU members themselves) at the expense of the general student body. It appears that in their efforts to promote “equity” across McGill, SSMU has exhausted themselves (and our wallets) in establishing a fee for any and every subset of the McGill population, no matter how niche. In response to this backlash, SSMU released an official statement defending the indispensable nature of each charge added in the 2019 academic year.
- The Left-Handed Pescatarian Student Society Fee (80 cents):
Given that the existing Left-Handed Vegetarian Student Society refuses to serve shrimp cocktails or fish tacos at their events,
And the Regular Pescatarian Society requires all members to shuck their clams with their right hand,
This Committee Recommends the financing of a new student society in order to better serve the needs of the four left-handed pescatarians on campus.
2. The MacDonald-Harrington Name Change Lobby Fee ($0.32 USD = $25 CAD):
Given that there is already a designated MacDonald Building,
And that many of the Harringtons who roam the lecture halls of McGill feel cheated by having their name appear second on the building’s facade,
This Committee Recommends establishing a lobbyist group to change the name to the “Harrington-Harrington Building” — the double name being selected in hopes of strengthening a “Harrington” atmosphere around campus.
3. The Junior Journalism Fee (10 Swiss Francs):
Given that the kindergarteners who come to McGill to visit the Redpath Museum often require a candy incentive to purchase the latest issue of the McGill Daily,
And that the age 0-5 demographic represents 95% of the Daily’s readership,
This Committee recommends the creation of a sub-committee to oversee the selection and distribution of candy to these invaluable infants.
4. The Coal Burning Committee (10 Regular Francs):
Given that the administration provides SSMU with the majority of its funding,
And that the administration has often found SSMU to be massively annoying,
This committee has been forced to establish a fund for the burning of coal directly in front of the McLennan Library entrance – to stick it to us “Divest McGill hippies.”
Disclaimer: The administration made us put this one in. We STRONGLY CONDEMN this fee!
5. The Construction Rescue Mission (6 Quebec Francs paid directly to a team of 4 Montreal Mobsters that meet behind the law library):
Given that the city of Montreal has been stuck in a never-ending construction cycle around McGill since the mid-1950’s,
And that tens of students every year tragically fall into these construction sites,
This Committee Recommends hiring a team of professional spelunkers to rescue any students that may be still trapped underneath Peel.
6. The SSMU Corruption Fund ($50,000 in an offshore account):
Given that SSMU’s ‘misuse’ of funds is inevitable,
And everyone gets super mad when they catch us stealing things,
This Committee Recommends the creation of a seperate account for the express purpose of quiet embezzlement at the convenience of any SSMU executive.
After a careful review of SSMU’s compelling arguments, the aforementioned opinion journalist has decided that each new fee is totally useful, and is unsure how he ever lived without them. Finally, left-handed pescatarians will have the chance to cultivate their own community on campus, and the Harringtons of McGill will be able to attend their SOCI 210 class in the Harrington-Harrington building they have been deprived of for years.
Note: This Opinion journalist promises he was not given access to the SSMU Corruption fund.
