New Semester Resolutions

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons.
No more excuses: the end of add/drop is upon us. In one last bound of procrastination, I have decided to compile a list of resolutions for the coming academic semester — three weeks into the new year and four lectures behind. After the mediocre semester of academic futility that was Fall 2017, here’s to hoping I get my GPA higher than my chug time and not having to ask my friends’ parents for another summer internship.

I have decided to compile a list of resolutions for the coming academic semester — three weeks into the new year and four lectures behind

My new semester resolutions are:

  1. Stop being surprised every morning when I walk out my front door as the cold hits me like an 18 wheeler on the highway, freezing my tears as I cry to the universe to make winter end.
  2. On a related note, to hire a good lawyer in advance, so that when I slip and fall on this campus’ icy deathtrap—the artist formally known as the McTavish Stairs—I can sue this damn city for every commemorative Canada 150 coin it hasn’t already spent on Sherbrooke’s parade of flags.
  3. To finally understand what those health aficionados mean when they say “diet is a way of life.” I’m talking only organic, plant-based, holistic foods that fuel my temple (body) after my daily runs and full body toning workouts.
  4. Buy only Marlboro light cigarettes.
  5. And my last health resolution: only 3 samosas a day.
  6. To stop acting like Steve Harvey every time I get drunk, i.e. making horribly embarrassing public mistakes, and shaving my facial hair into an odd moustache for no apparent reason (MOVEMBER IS OVER STEVE!).
  7. Last year I succeeded in learning that left and right in French are a droit and a gauche. This year, I will remember which one means left and which one means right.
  8. Save money at clubs by saying I’d rather check my privilege than my coat at the door.
  9. Cry less during office hours.
  10. Stop doing all my grocery shopping at the dep.

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