Queen Elizabeth’s lubricant-esque face cream; Prince Harry’s “frost-nipped todger;” Prince William’s “alarming baldness;” these are the internet’s hot takeaways from Harry’s new memoir, Spare, a depiction of his royal, defiant, diamond-encrusted journey to L.A. He recounts his introduction to Megan and her presentation to the royal family; including their problematic reception of her, his and Megan’s decision to leave the pomp and circumstance behind, the British media’s alarming racism, and the royals’ below-board dealings with dirty publications. Yet the most prominent themes in Spare are Harry’s relationship with the late Diana (his mommy issues), the bitter rift between the royal couples (his “arch nemesis,” Willy), and Harry’s lifelong desire to get married (to the manic pixie girl of his dreams – Harry fondly describes his ex Chelsy Davy as “not like other girls”). For a more in-depth picture of the silliness Spare reeks of, Harry feels an inexplicable bond with Stewie, a “prophet without honor” he grew to admire during his stoner phase. As for Harry’s virginity? He lost it during “an inglorious episode with an older woman,” resulting in a quick ride for our little pony, after which she “smacked his rump” and “sent him off to graze.”
…Harry and Megan actually have something to say – and it has nothing to do with todgers, rumps, or manic pixies.
The tragedy here is that Harry and Megan actually have something to say – and it has nothing to do with todgers, rumps, or manic pixies. When the two officially became a couple, popular British media tore into Megan in overtly racist (and expressly misogynistic) tones. However, the majority of Brits — 52%, to be exact — don’t see racism as even somewhat relevant in the UK. This is confounding when examining Megan’s remarks (see: the Oprah interview), and the fact that racially motivated attacks remain the highest reported type of hate crime in the UK. Black people continue to face discrimination in healthcare and employment, yet racism within the nation seems to keep getting swept under the rug. My issue with the memoir and the media buzz is how it has obscured the fact that Harry and Meghan have a royal gripe worth paying attention to. The racism and misogyny with which the British press received the couple’s engagement must be exposed, unpacked, and condemned. However, the way Harry has gone about delivering his message in Spare reads like a ploy to commercialize his and Meghan’s story to a specific audience, delegitimizing the important conversation buried under ‘Willy’s’ balding head.
Spare shines the brightest out of the ex-royal couple’s endeavors, and for all the wrong reasons.
Who is Harry’s audience? At its core, Spare feeds giddily into our insatiable, intrusive obsession with celebrities’ private lives. Harry offers up Stewie-shaped crumbs that we gobble out of his hands as we outdo ourselves in silly consumerism. So is Harry to blame for monopolizing on his genetics — telling tales of frostbitten todgers, quick rumps, and prophets without honor – or are we? Just recently I spiraled down Page Six and into Just Jared for hard evidence of Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox’s rumored break-up. I have certainly followed Harry and Meghan since the first whispers of their romance – from the set of Suits, to London, from Buckingham, to L.A. Though Forbes concludes Harry’s overly-detailed preening breaches “the point of no return,” where it becomes embarrassingly obvious “the royal’s popularity is something that matters very much to the royals themselves,” the global arm of Spare’s reach (selling 3.2 million copies in its first week out and setting records in memoir sales) serves to prove the royal’s popularity matters very much to us as well.
Spare shines the brightest out of the ex-royal couple’s endeavors, and for all the wrong reasons. This being said, in light of how the royals treated Meghan — incidents detailed in Spare and perpetuated in the press — I supported Harry when he departed and publicly denounced his family. The issue is how Harry has undermined such incidents in his subsequent media storm, ranging from late night shows, to podcasts, and now, this silly memoir. Perhaps Spare is Harry’s ultimate insult to British propriety — maybe his goal is to expose the misogyny and racism which Meghan has faced by ridiculing the posh facade it lurks behind. Regardless, Harry buries a striking condemnation of the British tabloid press and the monarchy’s twisted relationship with it under a pile of nonsense. Moreover, we, the consumers, and the media, are all entwined in the tragic cyclone of counterproductivity, and must open our eyes to the real issues at play.
