McGill Falls Slightly in Rankings, Entire School Despairs

Like the campus samosa, no one actually knows where these rankings come from, who’s making them, or what’s inside them; but one thing is certain: McGill is now ranked maybe like second or third in Canada, and maybe like 30th-100th internationally.  Back in 2013, McGill was ranked maybe like 1st or 2nd in Canada, and maybe like 20th-80th internationally.

“It’s a hard pill to swallow,” commented student Michael McCauley, “this ballpark, ever-changing figure.”

The news of McGill’s descent into academic mediocrity is taking its toll on a once proud student body; most students are now seen walking from class to class with downcast eyes.

“It’s becoming harder and harder to deflect my family’s questions about my 2.9 GPA by pointing to my school’s prestigious reputation,” observed Courtney Oakes, a fourth-year Computer Science major.

“The constant pro-U of T Facebook posts are tearing me up inside,” exclaimed a teary-eyed, trembling second-year.

Some students are even beginning to question the basic assumption that McGill was, at some point in its long history, a top-tier school.

“Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen Charles Taylor in the flesh,” reflected Liam Bannigan, a third-year Philosophy student.  “I’m guessing Wilson from House, and that guy who invented basketball, never actually went here either.  I feel cheated.”

Other students, incapable of fathoming a slight drop in McGill’s status, have turned to conspiracy theories.

They’re punishing us… those at the top… for trying to pass BDS last spring.” Said Omer Noor, shaking his head in defeat, “what fools we were, damned fools.”

McGill Alumni have also started to comment on the school’s hopeless slip ‘n’ slide.  “I think I finally figured out why I haven’t been able to find a job since graduating two years ago,” declared Alex Fisher, a former Honours History major. “It explains a lot.”

When reached for a comment, McGill’s administration released this statement:

“Below U of T, ok, we can accept U of T, but UBC? What in the actual fuck?”

There has been talk of changing McGill’s motto, Grandescunt Aucta Labore, to the familiar, and now more relevant Italian saying, Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate.

At this point, it is unknown whether the nearly two-century old institution will make it to Christmas.  May God (or at least Macleans) be with us.

***ARWU, the group that ranked McGill 63rd in the world, ignored our attempts to contact them. They most likely don’t have time for such a mediocre school.


This piece is a satire, and is for entertainment purposes only. Satire stories may or may not use real names, always in substantially fictitious ways. The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Bull & Bear.










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