There is no question, we’ve all heard it. Many of us have said it. In response to a sexist microaggression, an incompetent ex-boyfriend, perhaps a certain president. It might sting a bit, or maybe you agree. Maybe you get defensive. Maybe you think it’s counterproductive. So what does it mean, and what are the implications, when a woman says “I hate men?”
Let me paint you a picture. You are a left-leaning man. You believe in closing the gender pay gap, and you think period cramps suck. You might not be familiar with the works of Angela Davis or Silvia Federici, but you probably read The Handmaid’s Tale in high school. Your friend made an offhand comment claiming she hates all men. How could she say that! You’ve given her no reason to hate you. Is she including you in this? You know it’s very wrong to say that you hate all women. So why did everyone laugh?
As much as you might want to distance yourself, and have her distance you, from the bad things other men do, remember that she does not get the privilege of distancing herself from the bad things that happen to other women. The truth is, since birth, your friend has had a negative schema of men constructed in her mind, for her own protection. Her father warns her that boys only want one thing. Her mother tells her it is best to smile and keep her head down when a man calls at her from across the street. Her best friend waits up for a “home safe!” text every Saturday night. The work she has had to put in to hold two realities in her mind, that men are capable of hurting her greatly, and yet she should be able to unconditionally love and trust those in her close circle, takes its toll. It isn’t always possible for her to keep these two perspectives separate and still maintain both. So it is natural to fall back on broad and sometimes unfair generalizations.
The media we consume contributes to this schema, as does the current and historical state of the world. It isn’t possible to consider the offensive and violent actions of certain men to be outliers, because we see clearly how patriarchy is pervasive not only going back centuries, but also across the world. Our history shows stories of men who treat women like chattel, buying and selling their bodies and reproductive capacity. Of men who abuse their strength to enforce obedience and submission from adult women. These are the stories we learn, these are the stories that we absorb. Therefore, these become the stories we predict. An individual man could possess countless positive qualities– this cannot erase collective history.
Feminist author Andrea Dworkin says “Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships,” asserting how difficult it is to grapple with the dual reality of acknowledging your oppression and still choosing to love the oppressor. This induces great and constant amounts of cognitive dissonance, if faced with a trigger, she is likely to break down once in a while. Enter, misandry. The definition of misandrist is “someone, especially a woman, who hates, dislikes, or mistrusts men.” Please note, this term arose in the 1980s in men’s rights literature and academic literature on structural sexism in the 1980s, and has often been used to disparage and dismiss feminists and their real justified anger.
Misandry is flawed. It is rooted in defensiveness and defeatism. Misandry is in some ways appealing because it is easier in certain moments than attacking the task of dismantling the patriarchy. Defensiveness is the easy way out– but it’s not the way to deal with a problem head-on. It may be an understandable response, but it is not productive to feminism. The belief that something is inherently wrong with all men is a defeatist attitude that essentially excuses any bad behaviour.
So you’ve accepted that your friend might occasionally make misandrist statements like this. You are pretty sure that she considers you an exception. But how can you make sure that you aren’t included in this group she resents? If it’s masculinity she resents, is it even possible for you to still be a man and not be the victim of her anger?
This is where an important distinction must be made. Masculinity itself is not the problem. In the world that we are living in, an overwhelming amount of men have corrupted masculinity and it has become something that can induce fear of being harmed or taken advantage of. When women say negative or critical things that are generalisations about men, they are targeting these traits, not inherent expressions of masculinity. No man needs to distance himself from masculinity to prove he is a feminist, though he must prove himself as opposing misogyny.
The term “feminist” functions best not as an identity, not as a world view— but as a collection of actions. It’s not enough to renounce patriarchy, one must actively take action to challenge it. When a person experiences cognitive dissonance, such as that described previously, it is tempting to abandon one perspective and wholly embrace the other. It’s certainly easier than holding a contradiction. Your job, as a man and her friend, is to make sure she does not give up the loving and trusting perspective. I can assure you, there are enough men out there making sure she doesn’t let go of the fear.
Now you understand why your friend sometimes makes hurtful generalizations about men, and that it isn’t masculinity itself she resists. But hearing her say she hates men still stings. You think of your coworker, your brother, your dad. Does she see all of you through her protective schema before she sees you as a person?
Instead of attempting to answer this, ask yourself if you usually get the privilege of being perceived as a person first, and as a man second. One core function of the patriarchy is that it permits men to be perceived as individuals, and are primarily valued for their mind, intelligence, creativity, or leadership before they are stereotyped, whether that be on the basis of gender, or sex. Another important note of course, is that for men with marginalised identities, such as disabled men or men of Colour, many aspects of their individuality are taken away by assumptions about the group(s) they are a part of. Women are consistently seen as a “female” first, and as an individual second. She knows the guy she’s on a date with is only saying those nice things to sleep with her, this doesn’t make her unique. As the only girl in her physics class, she knows her mistakes speak for more than just herself. Her doctor asks if she’s sure her husband doesn’t want kids when she goes to get her tubes tied. So before you concern yourself with the fear that she might see you as a man before she sees you as her feminist friend, just know that this is a double standard. She has lived her whole life not getting to be a person first.
It’s ok if you still wince a little bit when she blurts out that “men are the worst.” Know where she’s coming from, and at the very least let her express her frustration before you get defensive. She still cares about you.
